Healing Story 4 #Jane — When You Are a People Pleaser and You Cannot Say No or Express your True Feelings
When you’ve lived most of your life people pleasing and being unable to say no or express yourself, you will find yourself stuck in the same job because you’re afraid of leaving that job because you know if you leave, you will upset your boss , you will get stuck with the same friends and follow along with their plans because you’re afraid of expressing yourself. You will not be looking at you or taking care of you but you will be taking care of others. Today, I’d like to share client story of how Jane went from being a chronic people pleaser to someone who can confidently set boundaries, express herself and lead an authentic life.
1. What was happening in your life at the time you decided to work with me? (describe in detail)
My father had just passed away from suicide, and even after he died I was noticing how I would be comforting people in their grief, instead of taking care of my own self. I was putting people’s feelings ahead of my own since I was little, and this carried into my current relationship where I was afraid to express myself. I wanted to change.
2. Explain your problem in detail. (how did it feel, what was it like to have the problem, how was life for you having this problem, how long had you had it for) ?
I have felt the need to place people’s feelings before my own since I was little. I became very good at noticing what people might be feeling, whether they were feeling uncomfortable in a situation, angry, etc. I became very good at trying to minimize their suffering, at expense of my own. It got to the point where I would hardly think about my feelings in situations, but did start to notice that I would feel validation if I was nice to people, etc.
3. How had you tried to fix it in the past? Why do you think the way you tried failed?
I have been to therapy on and off for years, however, I truly did not see how much my people pleasing tendencies branched and spread throughout my whole life. Even simple decisions such as where I wanted to eat dinner at, what movie I would want to watch, or what activities I would want to do, were often masked by the opinions and wants of whoever I was with.
4. How would describe the entire experience with me (in detail)
The experience was great overall. I did feel uncomfortable in the beginning, because I felt like I broke myself and my identity down to a place that I have never gone to before. I saw certain patterns in myself that created a lot of “aha” moments, but also moments of sadness because I could not believe I let these patterns go on for so long without noticing. We had 4 total sessions, each one seeming to break down things a little bit more. However, by the last two after I began to make progress, Edwin would talk to me about things that were changing in my life, also question me to make me further step into my power of what I truly wanted and needed. After each session I would feel tired, almost like I did a mental workout. I began to see things in my life that were changing. I actually did not notice how much my life was changing until Edwin and I would have a conversation, and he would point out these scenarios that in my “people pleasing” days I would have never been a part of. For example, I ended up applying and accepting a new job. Knowing I would need to tell my current employer that I am quitting, I would have normally never even thought about looking for a new job. Another example is questioning my relationship with my partner, and expressing myself within the relationship. I am now gaining more confidence in my voice, and able to express my needs without feeling guilty.
5. How do you feel now after the sessions?
I feel very good. I feel like I can tap into my feelings better. Whether that be feelings around simple things such I what I want to do for the day, what I want to eat, etc. To bigger things such as political views, and feelings about certain relationships.
6. When you think about your life now, what are you most looking forward to?
I am most looking forward to starting my new job, and also growing into myself even more, now that I feel like I can genuinely express myself, and truly have my own back.
7. What would you say to people who are putting off fixing their problems and frustrations in life?
I would say it is never too late to start to change your life, although it might feel like it! For me my wake up call was the death of my dad. I saw my people pleasing behaviors the most after his death, I was putting everyones feelings before myself to the point where I started to feel like a shell of a human. The work is continuous, however, with my sessions with Edwin it helped me begin to see that I am worthy of love, and have the right to express myself, and have my feelings be heard.
8. What was the most important thing for you in achieving success with your session/s with me
I think noticing the type of relationships that I was in, and also beginning to stand up for myself within my relationships. Also having the courage to quit a job that I do not like, and not feel guilty for saying “no” anymore.
Thank you, hope you’ve enjoyed this wonderful interview. All responses are straight from the clients (with no edits- only name have been altered to protect the identity of the client). If you’d like to be a success story, just book in a free breakthrough call with me here and if I can be of help I’ll show you how (there is no guarantee on specific results or outcomes from services as there are many variables that will impact your success). I will be sharing more of this ++ my fails also so that it can show you what’s possible when healing from abuse and demystify some of the myths cycling around with regards to healing from the past. It will also be helping me grow my skills and improve my clients’ transformations.
Psst! It doesn’t matter how stuck or how broken you might think you are, as long as you are committed and motivated, you can overcome it. People pleasing is not “who you’re” — it’s learned behavior.
Happy healing!!
