Recovery from narcissistic abuse is not a walk in the park and it will push you to the dark edges of your inner world. Once you’ve left that narcissistic relationship, you expect to be finally free from the shackles of someone who’s mistreated you but you’re now faced with another unpleasant journey of going to face your deepest fears. This journey is filled with various crippling feelings, one of them being loneliness. Loneliness is that deep feeling of unhappiness and sadness caused by unfulfilled connection with yourself or to others. Loneliness shouldn’t be confused with being alone, being alone doesn’t mean you’re lonely it just means that there is lack of physical proximity to someone else while loneliness is an emotional state. You can be with a multitude of people and still feel lonely.
“Loneliness is a black hole, a darkness, a frightening negative state almost like death … as if you are being swallowed by death itself.” — Osho
When you’ve been involved with a narcissist you’ll experience two kinds of loneliness, the first being feeling lonely in that relationship which results from the fact that you have no authentic connection with the narcissist and the other being loneliness after you’ve left the relationship.
One often feels lonely when in a toxic relationship as they feel so disconnected from their partner and the world. As I said before, being in a toxic relationship is more like a full-time job with no pay as you have your toxic partner as the center of your life for most times (both negatively & rarely positively). You are so busy trying to keep yourself safe from them (walking on egg shells) and you are also very preoccupied with trying to satisfy the needs of your ever-dissatisfied partner. In case of a narcissistic relationship, constant interaction with the narc is very intense and this occupies a huge amount of your mental energy and focus. The relationship in itself offers a distraction from the loneliness you have deep within you. It also evokes feelings of being unworthy of authentic connection. The relationship also results in feelings of mental instability which make you feel so alone in life and you even believe that no one can understand you. So, the paradox is that, the relationship in itself makes you feel so alone while at the same time it offers you a distraction (a distraction can either be harmful or healthy) from the loneliness lurking deep inside.
When you leave that relationship, there is a huge gap of emptiness now that the distractions are gone and this intensifies the loneliness deep within. On top of this, you were always unaccustomed to having ‘me time’ in that relationship as you probably spent most of your time serving your partner’s needs which further fuels the deep feelings of emptiness because you feel like you have nothing to do that can make you less lonely. You may not have any hobbies, interests, activities, friends or healthy ‘distractions’ to at least lessen the painful feeling of loneliness deep within you (notice — I’m not advocating the use of distractions as an escape- just using it as an illustration of how lack of activity may temporarily make you feel lonelier. Hold on, we’re go to go deeper into why you feel lonely and how to permanently deal with it). Moreover, the relationship just distorted everything you stood for and you’ve lost touch with everything around you which makes you even lonelier. It’s like you were just used to your partner occupying all your mental and physical time that you had completely forgotten how to get through your day without their presence (negatively or positively). These feelings of being empty inside may make you feel that you have nothing left to share with the world which even isolates you further.
So, why is Loneliness So Painful?
Loneliness is a painful experience because when we’re alone we feel so exposed (totally naked without any distraction) and we can see all our anxieties, stress, guilt, feelings of unworthiness and all those deep painful feelings which we mostly run away or hide from. We mostly avoid them by either distracting ourselves or by just jumping from one relationship to another as long as it keeps us from going inwards. The fear of loneliness is one of the factors which may make someone feel that they’re even better off with a toxic relationship as long as it covers up those deep wounds. When someone is lonely, there’s this aching feeling that there is no one to whom they can look for comfort and companionship. This pain may also feed us with this false premise that we are unloved or unworthy which is just part of our human conditioning which links our worth with how other people view us.
What makes loneliness even more painful is the fact that it triggers some of our past experiences of feeling rejected and abandoned by our caregivers. Childhood is where most of our subconscious beliefs on how we live our present life are developed. So, the silence offered by the loneliness triggers some of those past painful experiences and that’s why you choose to fill with it something to escape the painful silence. Those subconscious beliefs are what are now telling you that anytime there is silence, it needs to be filled.
How to Deal with Loneliness
I will not advice you to distract yourself from the loneliness or to bottle those painful feelings as that just postpones the deep problem. To embrace the loneliness, lean into the discomfort of the loneliness and see it for what it is. Loneliness is just a disconnect from your authentic self. What creates the disconnect is just those subconscious beliefs we’ve developed as a result of our past experiences. Those beliefs prevent us from living life more presently and keep us anchored in the past. When you clear and transform those subconscious patterns that run your current life, you’ll be able to see yourself for who you’re now and not from the eyes of your past painful experiences. When you’re present, you’re connected to your authentic self. This means that you feel safe within yourself without the need of an escape. Connection with others only begins when you have a deep connection with yourself. You have to be safe within you instead of searching for safety in your relationships. The thing is when you’re abused, you’re moving away from your authentic self and when you start healing you are moving towards who you are. When you truly embrace who you are, the loneliness transforms into aloneness which is a sense of total bliss, wholeness and freedom. Aloneness is your nature and you’re sufficient by yourself.
To conclude, loneliness is just an invitation for you to go inwards and do some inner work and get in touch which that you always run away from. Lastly, if you really feel lonely and you want a stop gap measure (not permanent) as you work on resolving your deep hurts, then you can connect with other survivors or get a pet. You can use any healthy distractions (please note — do not use another relationship (or ‘FWB’) as a ‘healthy distraction’) only as a stop-gap measure when you’re really in the process of finding yourself.
Note from the Author
If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these subconscious patterns for good (in 2 months or Less) using Mind Shifting, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment!
References
2. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=glKLJVVBNmw
3. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jiDNJeUHG9c
4. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6-YaTOlBIq0
5. https://blog.melanietoniaevans.com/healing-isolation-fear-and-loneliness-after-narcissistic-abuse/
